Wednesday, 4 April 2012


Every fucking day, something else is going to kill you. You can't eat, drink, walk, talk, fuck, watch TV, work at a desk, listen to music, have children, take painkillers, sit down, spend an evening with someone or sleep without risking certain death in a mind-boggling array of different ways.

If you eat too much, you'll die. If you eat too little, you'll die. if you don't eat apples, you'll die, if you eat too many apples you'll have so much sugar, you'll get fat. If you eat fast food, your heart will clog up and you'll die, if you don't eat fast food, you'll miss out on making your mind happy. If you walk to work, you might damage your knees, pull muscles, trip over, get hit by a car, cyclist, pedestrian, truck, train or tram. If you talk about your problems, you'll make them worse. So don't do that. Best to avoid people altogether. They only give you ideas. Thinking about it might make you tired, but don't try to go to sleep because if you do, you risk PLMD, Bruxism, Nocturia, Night Terror, Cataplexy or Hypopnea Syndrome. Fuck me, all that stuff is bound to give you Somniphobia.

Working at a desk will undoubtedly leave you with nervous pains in your neck, back and legs as well as all the extra fat you acquire from not being active. Don't walk though, for obvious reasons. Don't have sex with anyone who hasn't applied for, and been interviewed for the position. If you do you risk getting hundreds of thousands of nasty parasites and sores. Better not bother, and don't sit on toilet seats for the same reason. If you do decide to take the log to the beaver, don't turn the music up because the high decibel level will burst both your eardrums leaving you completely deaf. You may think you need a sit down. Well, don't. You risk Cancer, Diabetes and Heart Disease.

If you watch reality TV, you'll become an asinine, witless moron, unable to think for yourself, only fit to appear on reality TV.

Actually, that one might have a grain of truth to it.

My favorite has always been the fact that I can't buy more than 2 packets of painkiller containing products in a single shop. Instead, I have to walk to another shop to buy more. What are they hoping? That the little wander will do you some good? That your lottery numbers will come up? That someone will insist on sucking you off before you walk another step? Or are they hoping that when you're crossing the road you'll be hit by a fucking bus, thus solving the problem.

Also, this higher percentage of death? You are 40% more likely to die. 40% more than what? Just giving a random percentage doesn't make any sense. I've always thought you were 40% more likely to throw turnips at a ferret. However, you're only 30% more likely to bash Jeff Jarrett with an Acoustic Equaliser. I personally, am 29.325% less likely to chop carrots with a block of cheese. However, I'm 150% more likely to get so fucking angry by people giving me random fucking statistics that it makes me want to turn off the lights, say Jeffrey Dahmer three times into the mirror, and bring him out of retirement to strike down anyone who puts a percentage on something that you can't actually measure with maths.

So, what exactly is the point of scaring us stupid? It is to exact some form of control? Do they really care about our health? Why are they so GODDAMN OBSESSED with keeping people alive?

Maybe it's all about making money. However, that is such an easy argument that I'm not going to dwell on it. All I'll say is that there is no money in death, but plenty in palliative care.

It's not that life is overrated. Of course it's not. It's just that you've got to ask that if you are alive, but aren't being given the oppourtunity to enjoy anything at all, then aren't you effectively dead? At that point, all you're doing is making the trees jobs harder by having to convert more Carbon Dioxide.

People have been dying for years. Those graveyards didn't get there by mistake. They aren't the teeth of a prehistoric giant that tried to take a bite out of the earth like it was an apple. They were normal people, dying of normal things, after a life of trying to enjoy themselves as much as possible in this short time we have on this mortal coil. I'm not saying you shouldn't have healthcare. I'm saying the exact opposite. There should be healthcare. The healthcare advice however, needs to be culled. It's written in the same way as the football news during the summer. It's a view, arrived at from a bunch of different reports which may well have absolutely no basis in fact. Swine Flu, SARS, MRSA. Don't eat green potatoes, or food past it's sell by date. Lipstick contains toxin lead levels. Laser Printers are as bad as second hand smoke.

Jesus Christ people. WHY THE FUCK AREN'T WE ALL DEAD?

You know what, it makes it a lot harder to tell when there is a real problem. We've already been told that everything is going to kill us. So when the next AIDS does come along, it will catch us off guard because we won't be able to tell the difference. Now, that's a scary fucking thought.

You know what the irony of having health tyrants is at the moment? They're dismantling our NHS. So they're preaching how we should all strive to be healthier whilst pulling away the safety net. It's like convincing someone jump out of a plane, then cutting a hole in their parachute. It's the worst kind of evil. It's like we have William Melchert-Dinkel running our health systems.

Maybe William had a point. The only way to beat the health tyrants is to kill yourself before they do.

Maybe it's life that kills us. Nothing else. Just being alive. Maybe a bit too much beer, combined with a bit too much junk food eventually does us in. While that doesn't explain Mark Viven-Foe, Jim Fixx or Basil Brown, it does suggest that eventually something is going to kill us. If we know that, why are we so fucking worried about it? You can keep yourself healthy enough to enjoy your life without succumbing to the scaremongering tactics. Just remember that if you followed every single piece of advice, you will end up a lesson in how to waste the gift that we all take for granted. We will also look at you and assume you are stupidest type of moron on the planet. Well done, you wasted all your time. You're still alive at 109, you've still got some years left to live, and you've never had nothing to live for.

What a plank,

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